


I don't deserve either of you/No, I don't deserve either of you!/No, it's me that doesn't deserve either of you [abandoned]

by Dragonbano



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Deceit | Janus Sanders, Self-Esteem Issues, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Tourette's Syndrome, Trans Character, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character, cmon yall get on that, exorcism mention, is that not a tag????, is that still a needed tag? idk, suicidal deceit | janus sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 6,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonbano/pseuds/Dragonbano
Summary: Janus, Virgil, and Logan are soulmates. They all think they don't deserve soulmates. Virgil is actively in denial of the fact that he has soulmates.[abandoned sorry]
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 102
Kudos: 162





	1. Don't have soulmates/the universe messed up/don't lie to your soulmates

Virgil Storm did not have a soulmate. The writing on his wrist didn't mean anything. There were two people writing anyway, so Virgil must have just been a mistake. Like he always was. His two- no, the two people writing on his wrist, they weren't Virgil's, the two were getting along just fine. They didn't need Virgil fucking everything up.

Logan Berry had a soulmate. He had to, there wasn't another explanation for the person he was conversing with on his- no, their, arm. The universe must have fucked up somehow. There was no way that Logan the emotionless robot that everyone made fun of, and for good reason, was one of the lucky few with a soulmate.

Janus Deceit did not believe in soulmates. Why would they? Their parents were soulmates, but that didn't make their marriage happy. Besides, no one would love Janus. They were ostracized because of their birthmark, because of their gender, and their tendency to automatically lie when asked a question. They had already done that with their alleged soulmate, accidentally telling him that their first name was Deceit.


	2. Virgil: no soulmates for me haha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is soulmate elitism/purism in this chapter. Have fun!

Virgil’s parents were avid supporters of soulmates. They believed that no one should date until they were sure that they did not have a soulmate. If you happened to be among the lucky few that were able to write to their soulmate upon turning 16, you had to date and marry only your soulmate. Virgil’s parents also believed that no one had more than one soulmate, and all soulmates were romantic. They also believed that those with soulmates were better than those without.

Virgil was terrified of disappointing them, but he knew they would not like his multiple- the multiple handwritings on his arm. It was easier to pretend- no, not pretend, it was the truth. It was easier to not inform his parents of the writing on his arm. It didn’t matter anyway, since they were NOT his soulmates.

Besides, Virgil didn’t need soulmates. He wasn’t lonely. He had a friend, okay? Roman was really nice. Virgil wasn’t selfish enough to ask for more. Roman was great, and therefore Virgil was satisfied. He just had to convince his stupid brain of that.

Virgil would just always wear long sleeves, hang out with Roman more, forget about his nonexistent soulmates, and ignore his crush on the insanely hot nerd, that no one else seemed to see how hot they were. Virgil thought they used they/them? He remembered seeing them wear a they/them button at school before.


	3. Logan: I love my dads and also I was adopted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exorcism mention is for this chapter. Be careful?

Logan’s dads had said that they would be supportive no matter what Logan chose to do, if they had a soulmate, which they evidently did. One of their dads, Remy, did have a platonic soulmate, and that had caused a lot of trouble when they tried to adopt Logan. Only the fact that Patton, Remy’s platonic soulmate, had supported the adoption, had allowed it to happen.

Logan had been in the foster system since they were 8. Their biological mother had found their lack of outward emotions, as well as their tics and stims, creepy, and had tried to have him exorcised. She had willingly given them up when the police were called on her. Logan found her reaction understandable, though disappointing and hurtful.

During Logan’s six years in the foster system, before being adopted by Emile and Remy, they- no, he, had been through quite a few foster homes. Most of them were nice enough but had had no clue what to do with Logan. Logan wasn’t a normal kid. He had Tourette’s syndrome, didn’t express his opinions normally, and was very interested in his schoolwork, especially vocabulary and astronomy. He also had a tendency to accidentally bore others when trying to share enjoyable fact with them.

His dads were the only ones that ever tried to understand Logan. He had never had a friend, though he had a few acquaintances, and he simply did not understand how he was supposed to interact with people. Judging from Logan’s previous failed attempts to make friends, he’s sure his soulmate will leave him soon enough, but he would try anyway. He didn’t have emotions, after all.


	4. Janus: my mom doesn't believe me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh hmm idk if this classes as emotional abuse? be careful anyway

Janus’s mother never believed them. About them being non-binary, about their lies being accidental and non-malicious, about them being bullied, and about anything else Janus had ever told her. She always said she shouldn’t have expected anything better from someone with the last name Deceit.

Her last name was Veritas, the Latin word for truth. They had joked about it at first, the liar destined for the truthteller, opposites attracting, before their marriage had gone sour. Janus had been given their father’s surname, and it was more fitting than they liked. People already didn’t trust them, and their last name just made everything worse.

It really was a wonder that their soulmate hadn’t run yet. Janus had always known they weren’t meant for love. After all, who could love a liar? But Logan hadn’t run, hadn’t even hesitated at the name Deceit. Janus glanced over at the writing still on their wrist. It said _“I must confess that is not a name I have heard before, but I find it delightful. My name is Logan.”_


	5. Virgil: well it was supposed to be about virgil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman kinda took over. Whoops. Enjoy?

When Virgil met Roman at school the day after his birthday, he knew Roman would be wondering if Virgil had a soulmate. Virgil simply said nope when Roman asked, since it was the truth!! He just couldn’t let Roman see his arms, since the dramatic boy often jumped to conclusions, and Virgil really didn’t need Roman thinking he had a soulmate, let alone two.

Roman would probably hate him if he -incorrectly- thought that Virgil had soulmates. Roman’s sixteenth birthday had passed by without any words appearing on his skin, and Roman had been inconsolable for days afterwards. Roman had always loved romance, as well as the idea that someone was destined to love you, so he had been saddened by the knowledge that there wasn’t someone destined for him.

So Virgil would simply keep Roman from drawing the wrong conclusions. Roman didn’t ask anymore about soulmates, as content to simply ramble about the newest play to get onto Broadway as Virgil was to listen, which is quite a lot. It was apparently about the life of a fictional royal family, and the second child was gay. Roman was very excited about there being a gay prince.

Virgil relaxed a little. Roman didn’t seem like he was going to pry, and his parents wouldn’t realize he had turned sixteen unless he reminded them, which he wasn’t about to do. He could keep the writing on his arm, which was not from his soulmates, a secret from everyone, so that no one drew the wrong conclusion. Virgil did not have a soulmate.


	6. Logan: if i only had a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan calls herself a freak, so be careful. No other new warnings. Enjoy! I'm trying to get a chapter out every day.

When Logan got to school, she- it was a she day? Really? Those were rare for Logan. When she got to school, she found her eyes drawn to the kid dressed in black and purple. Emo seemed like a rational descriptor of him. Logan had a class with him, his name was Virgilius, like the Roman poet, though he went by Virgil. He seemed nice enough, but why were Logan’s eyes drawn to him? That was supposed to happen with your soulmate, but Logan’s soulmate’s name started with J and they used solely they/them pronouns.

Logan absentmindedly pulled out her She/Her pin and put it on as she thought about the strange allure of the emo boy. There wasn’t a point in thinking about this now, she needed to focus on class. She needed to postpone this crisis until she got home and was allowed to express her emotions her own way. If she let herself have emotions at school, people would make fun of her.

At lunch, Logan chose her usual table by herself in the corner. Not for the first time, she wished she had a friend to sit with. No one would ever want to be friends with her, obviously, but that didn’t stop her from hoping, despite the fact that it was illogical. She was a freak, and only freaks were friends with other freaks.

She looked back at the emo kid. He seemed nice enough, and he might be weird enough to not mind her weirdness. But the theatre kid he was talking to was mostly normal. No, Logan should just forget about this foolish endeavor and focus on her studies. She needed good grades to become a neurobiologist.


	7. Janus: im alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus calls themself poison, so be careful. Other than that, this is just context as to where Janus has been.

Janus was bored. It was Friday, and since they weren’t starting at the new school till Monday, they didn’t have much to do. They had gotten kicked out of their most recent school for lying to the teachers too much. Since they were in kindergarten, they hadn’t been able to stay in a school for the whole school year. They tried to be good, but it never worked.

Their mother had to move often for her job, which was helpful, since otherwise Janus would have long since run out of schools to go to. They hated starting at a new school. Everyone always stared at her birthmark. It was also nice though. A fresh start. A chance to have friends for a few days, before everyone started hating them for being a liar.

Janus wondered what their soulmate was doing. Probably having fun with his friends in school and being a well-adjusted kid that people don’t hate. Logan probably had tons of friends. He seemed really sweet. But daydreaming about Logan was useless. He’ll leave Janus soon enough, and then they’ll be alone again. Everyone always leaves.

Even their dad left. The only thing Janus had from him was their last name, and that was not a welcome gift. Janus would much prefer a different surname, though this one was helpful in warning people before they got too close, just like the bright colors of poison dart frogs do. That’s what Janus was after all. Poison.


	8. Virgil: local nerd is anger at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So. Uh. Virgil is not doing great. He thinks he would be better off dead? Anyways be careful. This is a sad one

Virgil had noticed the hot nerd looking at him. She looked like she was glaring, but at least she noticed him, right? No, she probably hated him already. But it was fine! It was perfect! Virgil wasn’t at all worried about everyone in the world hating him forever and laughing behind his back about how stupid he was for thinking that they’d like him and also saying that he wasn’t really a boy.

Nope, Virgil wasn’t panicking at all. Okay, so maybe he was a little, but it was justified! His thoughts were basically true, after all. There was no way that Roman hung out with Virgil for any reason other than that he pitied Virgil. Virgil was just a parasite. He should just die. No one wanted him here.

Sitting alone in his room later, Virgil wondered who would miss him if he died. His parents wouldn’t. His not-soulmates didn’t know he existed. He only had one friend, and that was Roman. Roman might miss him. Virgil should text him and ask. Virgil spent 45 minutes agonizing over the wording of the text before finally sending it.

Virgil needed to know whether his presence mattered. He would do whatever was best for Roman. He at least owed Roman that much for putting up with him for so long. Virgil waited anxiously for a reply. There were several false alarms that were other notifications. Finally, Virgil got a text from Roman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe yes thats a cliffhanger. No resolution till after the other two get chapters (but also Roman is not a terrible person here lol). Anyways, would you prefer the other two find out about Virgil by him accidentally writing on his arm/spilling paint on his arm or by them catching a glimpse of their writing on his arm? feel free to answer in the comments or come find me on tumblr at @dragonbano.


	9. Logan: crushes are illegal jsyk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings? Logan says that she doesn't have feelings but thats not new. Enjoy!

When Logan got home from school, Patton was making an card for Remy on the couch. This was a pretty common occurrence, since Patton was the soulmate of Remy, one of Logan’s dads, he basically lived with them. But since Patton hadn’t adopted Logan, and therefore was not required to care about her, Logan was still wary around him. It had been two years, but there was still time for Patton to hate him.

Patton greeted Logan before tossing her a pack of chips. Logan sat down at the table to eat. She thought about the emo boy as she ate. Patton must have noticed that she was lost in thought, since he seemed concerned, and asked her what she was thinking about. Logan didn’t have a good answer.

She was weirdly fixated on this kid, that definitely wasn’t his soulmate. Logan, after some hesitation, told Patton what was going on. Patton seemed taken aback at being told all of this, but suggested she consider that she might have a crush on the kid. She might be polyamorous, after all, or her soulmate could be platonic. He was obviously wrong though. Logan didn’t get crushes. She didn’t have enough emotions for that.

With her crisis not seeming to be stopping anytime soon, Logan resigned herself to her confusion and turned her attention to her homework. They were learning about the industrial revolution, and since Logan was doing very well in the class, the teacher had assigned her an extra paper to argue if the industrial revolution had been good or not. She was very excited to write it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Virgil writing on himself/spilling paint is winning for now but those of you that didn't vote yesterday still can, you have until I post Janus's chapter. Oh also pls call me out if I misgender any of them.


	10. Janus: silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so uh. idk how to warn for this chapter im very tired. janus isnt doing great and also their mom isnt a good person.

Janus hated weekends. Most kids enjoyed them, but not Janus. Their mother had weekends off from work, and as such used weekends as her time to relax. Janus either had to be completely silent and hide in their room or be at her every beck and call all day, depending on her mood.

Today was a stay silent day, thankfully. They continued their drawing of a snake that they had started the weekend before. It took them a long time to finish their drawings, since it was difficult to keep the pencil and paper from making noise, and their mother would happily take any excuse to yell at them.

Janus wondered what it would be like to be allowed to be a normal kid. This definitely wasn’t normal, at least according to what he had heard (eavesdropped) other kids saying. It didn’t matter. Janus could never be normal. They couldn’t even have a normal gender, not to mention the lying. No one would ever want to hear them or be reminded that they exist.

Janus wondered if Logan might want them to exist. Probably not. No on wanted a liar for a soulmate. Janus wondered why fate had decided to burden Logan with them. They were tied together forever unless one of them died. There was not way for Logan to escape. Unless…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also have Virgil's chapter written but not typed up! so that should be out soon. and if anyone understands how ao3 works, specifically how to change the color of text, please let me know i cant figure it out. also, everyne except one voted for spilling/accidentally writing so thats what we're going with. I was considering making a discord for this? just so i can ask for opinions on more stuff, bc sometimes i have questions that i dont think of till im in the middle of a chapter so i cant post something to ask.


	11. Virgil: hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh idk things are actually not terrible for virgil here? i mean hes still doing not great but idk. not as bad as before

Roman had sent two texts. The first one said “Of course I would care, stormcloud. I apologize if that is unclear. Has someone said otherwise? Shall I fight them?”. The second, that was sent immediately after the first, said “Please tell me you haven’t done anything unwise. You are my friend, nay, my best friend”. Virgil read the texts, his disbelief growing with every word.  
Whether or not Roman was lying, Virgil knew that Roman would blame himself if Virgil died now. He shouldn’t have sent the text, shouldn’t have made Roman feel obligated to care. Resigned to living a little longer, he texted Roman back “I’m fine! I was just wondering, don’t worry about it. How’ve you been?”. Hey, Virgil never claimed to be _good_ at changing the subject.  
Virgil put on his headphones and listened to music as Roman accepted the subject change, and Virgil carried on the conversation to the best of his ability. He had to stay alive. Making Roman feel sad and guilty was unacceptable. He’d just have to fake being happy so one one worried about him. And maybe figure out what to do about his not-soulmates.  
But that could all wait. For now, Virgil let himself get lost in the music. He even let himself hope that things might get better eventually. Anything can happen, after all. And though Virgil knew he didn’t deserve happiness, he thought he might possibly be able to find some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> join my terrible discord server? https://discord.gg/umhMYt anyways thank you guys (and gals and nb pals) for al of your support! I'm blown away by how many people have enjoyed this fic


	12. logan: weekend/relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter and i hate eachother. it was fighting me the whole way and im still not happy with it but whatever, posting time. anyways, warnings: some stuff about owing partners things that is patently false but be careful

Logan actually enjoyed weekends. Eir dads understood eir love of schedules and allowed em to plan out eir weekends. First thing after lunch every Saturday was the family scrabble game. Logan usually won, but occasionally Remy would just barely scrape past with a win. Emile never won, but he was a good sport about it.

After scrabble, Logan worked on homework, and then in the last hour before dinner, ey wrote up a schedule for the next week. After dinner, Logan could finish up anything ey hadn’t gotten done, as well as have a longer conversation with eir soulmate. Logan wondered how much Deceit would hate eir schedules. Everyone else did, after all. Except maybe Remy and Emile.

Logan and Janus exchanged the formalities before settling into a rhythm of answering questions. They didn’t delve into anything deep, mostly just sticking to stuff like favorite animal. Neither of them wanted to talk about anything more, since they were both absolutely terrified of the other leaving them lol.

Logan wondered what ey would be expected to do in a relationship. Logan… wasn’t normal. Ey weren’t aromantic, ey were just uncomfortable with many of the things that were normal in relationships, such as kissing. Deceit might expect that from em, and ey couldn’t really deny such a basic request from eir soulmate, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! a couple things. I have janus's chapter written. would yall be cool with it if i skipped virgil? it would just be a filler chapter bc i need logan to do thing after janus's chapter. also, roman is going to have a larger role now. should i add him to the tags? he wasnt supposed to matter but uh he does now whoops. Also, when you transfer into a school in the middle of a school year, you go to like the main office thing to get like signed up? whats that place called? sorry, im homeschooled lol. oh and that lol in the chapter is on purpose. thats logan trying to act like its no big deal.


	13. Janus: school time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i dont think there are any warnings? tell me if i missed something im really out of it rn

Janus got ready for school. They weren’t that excited. Probably no one would start hating them on the first day, but they would have to talk to so many people and that was extremely exhausting. Especially since they were transferring in in the middle of a semester. They would be the exciting new thing until people started hating them.

They contemplated trying to cover up their birthmarks, but they didn’t have a way to get stage makeup, and regular concealer never lasted the whole day. They had tried. The reactions were always much worse when people found out in the middle of the day, so regular concealer wasn’t a viable option. People found Janus to be a much more appealing target if they acted ashamed of it. They weren’t, they just didn’t particularly enjoy being gawked at.

They had to ride the bus because their mother couldn’t be bothered to drive them. Most of the kids stared as they got on, though a couple were simply too tired to give a shit. Luckily, however, there was an empty row that Janus could sit in, and, though most of the kids were whispering about them, no on actually bothered them. This was already better than some of their old schools. 

Janus went to the front office where they were given their schedule. They were told to wait for the person who was to be their guide for the day, whose name was Logan Berry. Janus’s heart had leaped at the name, but they told themself not to be ridiculous. What were the odds that the first person they meet after realizing you have a soulmate, is your soulmate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know when the next chapter will be out some things happened in my personal life and im not doing the greatest im sorry ill probably finish this eventually i love you all esp the three that always comment and i care so much about yall


	14. Logan: new student

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back! and doing a little better! ik not much happens in this chapter, sorry. dont expect any kind of regular updates but i will be writing again.   
> warnings for this chapter: none i think? tell me if i missed something

Logan sighed. Xe didn’t exactly love showing new students around the school. But xe did it anyway. Xe was expected to. It was part of xyr persona as the teachers pet, the smart one, the bookworm, aloof with the other children, but sucked up to the teachers. Usually xe was happy to embrace it but some days it just felt stifling. And on a day like today when xe wanted to crawl under a blanket and stay there? Logan hated it with a passion.

Xe walked into the front office and over to the only teen there, who xe assumed was the new student. “It is nice to meet you; my name is Logan Berry. I will be your guide to [redacted] high school. May I see your class schedule?”

The teen fumbled for a second before replying “oh! Sorry, I didn’t see you come in. of course!” They handed over their class schedule.  
Logan read it over, realizing xe shared literally all of xyr classes with the new student, whose last name was apparently Deceit. Logan still didn’t know their first name though; the school didn’t put first names on most papers since so many of the students didn’t go by their legal names. But Deceit… that was the name xyr soulmate had given xem. It was a last name though, so probably entirely unrelated. 

“What name do you go by? Also, what pronouns do you use? I have pronouns pins in my bag if you wish.” Speaking of pronoun pins, Logan reached into xyr bag and pinned xyr xe/xem pin on. Xe had forgotten again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if i messed up logan's pronouns! i was having way too much trouble figuring out this set, despite it being one of the sets i use


	15. Virgil: perfectly fine!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter: binding unsafely, i think thats it? as always please tell me if i misgendered someone or missed a warning

This was fine. Everything was perfectly fine. Virgil totally wasn’t obsessing over the messages that the people on his arm, who weren’t his soulmates, had written to each other. It wasn’t even anything that would help him find them! Wait- find them? Where had that come from? Virgil was not going to try and find them. That would be stupid. But… he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he did.

Wait actually they’d hate him and laugh at him and run away from him. Nope! Virgil was perfectly fine without ever finding them. He had Roman! He wasn’t lonely! He didn’t need anyone else. He was fine! He was also, apparently, late for school. Shit.

As Virgil hurriedly gathered his things and ran to school, he felt a sharp pain in his side. Shoot he had almost forgotten he was binding. Whatever! It’d be fine! No worries he’s perfectly fine it wasn’t concerning that his ribs hurt now when he was going to be wearing it for over 8 hours now this was fine he wasn’t going to break any of his ribs. Virgil walked quickly into his homeroom right before his name was called in roll call and luckily wasn’t marked as late, though the teacher did glare at him.

There was someone Virgil didn’t recognize sitting in his homeroom. The new person’s desk was right next to Virgil. Virgil hated it. He had liked having a direction there where he didn’t have to be constantly aware that there was a person right there and could therefore put his back to without freaking out.

The person introduced themself as Janus, and Virgil noticed their they/them pin. Virgil grudgingly replied that his name was Virgil. As soon as he said that, the bell rang, and it was time for his next class. The person who had just introduced themself (Virgil had already forgotten their name), as well as the hot nerd that Virgil had noticed on Friday, both followed Virgil to his first class, which was math.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pro tip: cant misgender someone if you refer to the person as hot nerd all the time and it doesnt matter if you forget the hot nerd's name!


	16. janus: good things are temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhh warnings: suicidal thoughts, assuming you will inevitably be hated, i think thats it

Janus did it!! They talked to a person!! Which was like a really low bar but still let them be proud for five minutes before their mood dropped and they hated themselves again. And Virgil seemed like cool! And Logan didn’t seem to have a binary gender so maybe they wouldn’t be ostracized for that! Everyone would still hate them, of course, but for less things, and being hated for less things is always better.

Janus got through the day, joining Logan for most of their classes, and having the… idk the emo kid Janus had already forgotten his name, in the others. Janus could do this. It’d be fun, until the eventual hatred, obviously. Logan even had some form of tics! At least from what Janus had seen, though to be fair, they also could have been stims. There isn’t really a good way to tell. Either way, Logan was probably neurodivergent in some way, which was a good sign!

They had a bunch of homework to do, they noticed as they got to their hom- their house. This school’s math class was ahead of where their old school’s had been, so they had a lot of catching up to do. They needed to be good enough at everything else, so they didn’t immediately get kicked out once they lied.

Or they could just not. Why did it matter if they got kicked out of another school? Why did it matter if they didn’t graduate high school? Its not like they’d be able to hold down a job. They’d just be a burden, either on someone specific, or on society. Wouldn’t it be better, if they were gone? Its not like anyone would miss them, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might perhaps have the next chapter finished so yall will get that whenever i remember which is probably tomorrow night. also come talk to me on my tumblr and send asks or something, its @dragonbano. also i would like to say that i would die for each and every one of yall that has ever commented but especially those who comment on every chapter


	17. logan: people make no sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes ik i said this would be up last night. anyways warnings: mention of getting yelled at for not being good at conversations, thinking its greedy/selfish to want friends. as always please tell me if i missed something

Logan found that they actually did not completely mind the company of the new student who had no relation to their soulmate at all obviously. It was... novel, to enjoy the company of another their age. Logan enjoyed the feeling. It felt almost like belonging. 

Logan was sure that Janus would not want to hang out with Logan if they weren’t required to, but it was… nice, to imagine what it would be like to have a friend, to have someone to eat lunch with, and to hang out with at recess. Someone you could pick to be your partner for classwork without them laughing at the thought of voluntarily hanging out with you, or dumping the entire project on you, because “you’re smart, you can do it!”.

But friends were for normal people. And Logan wasn’t normal. They knew that. And as much as Janus didn’t seem to be either, at least Janus understood how conversations worked. Logan didn’t! How do people know when its their turn?? People just know and it doesn’t make sense and they get yelled at for being rude or being too loud or too quiet or interrupting or rambling or not participating and they don’t know what they’re doing wrong! Because no matter what they do, its wrong.

So Logan should stop wishing for something that obviously wasn’t meant for them. Their dads loved them. And that was enough. They should stop being greedy and selfish and start being content with having loving parents. So many people didn’t have that. They were fine, they didn’t need anything else, everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be here eventually. i have one paragraph written. thank you so much to everyone thats been reading and enjoying this!


	18. logan: tics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes two logan chapters in a row, and this one is just thinly disguised projecting. im not going to apologize, yall decided to read this fic, not me. warnings: medication mention, injuries mention, violence talk uhhh im very tired and bad at warning sorry

Logan had been interacting with people more than usual that day. They also hadn’t felt like explaining their tics, so they had been suppressing their tics all day. Suppressing tics, as you may know, often leads to the tics becoming exacerbated. In addition, Logan’s tics were often more prevalent when they spent time with more people or were in stressful situations.

All that was to say, Logan was having a tic attack. Because they evidently weren’t allowed to have nice things. Tic attacks, for those unfamiliar, are when someone has many tics in a short period of time. They may also be more violent tics. For Logan, they tended to last around fifteen minutes, and tended to be their more violent tics. Logan’s everyday tics usually were limited to clicking, snapping, waving, and stomping. During tic attacks, they often punched or slapped themselves and other things, kicked things, flailed, and had many more vocal tics, many of which were offensive.

Logan was tired. Tired of being weird. Tired of not being able to relax and have fun with people without having to worry if they’ll have a tic attack later. Tic attacks were exhausting. And sometimes they left bruises if they had punched themselves hard enough. Logan’s dads worried when they had tic attacks but there wasn’t much their dads could do. Holding them down was traumatizing and made the tics worse.

They just had to wait it out. Their weighted blanket helped afterwards at least. It would help during if they had caught the attack soon enough, but after it had started it made things worse. Logan would have to go to their therapist and tell them they had started having tic attacks again. It had been months since their last one. Now their dads would want them to look into getting meds again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont worry we'll be back to normal order after this probably, i just wrote this bc i had a tic attack tonight


	19. virgil: last name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehehehe  
> warnings: thinking you dont deserve love, thinking everyone hates you

Virgil liked hanging out with the new student. They were interesting and engaging and just great! And Virgil was sure they’d stop talking to him once it was clear that they were a loser, but Virgil was going to ignore that for now and focus on the fact that they had had an entire conversation without messing up. Wait, had he? What about the time he might have interrupted them and the time they had just stared at him for ten seconds after he said something and the time they had frowned at what he was saying and oh fuck they had fucked up the new student definitely hated them and everyone hated them.

It was fine. He was fine.

Tuesday morning came far too quickly for Virgil, who had stayed up till 5am stressing about everything and attempting to do homework. He knew he couldn’t be late again though, so he forced himself to get up and make coffee before walking to school. He slipped into homeroom a couple minutes before the bell. The new student from the day before was already in their seat. They seemed to… relax???? When Virgil sat down?? People didn’t relax around Virgil. They were either creeped out by him or hated him. Neither of those were conducive to relaxation.

The teacher started calling roll and Virgil zoned out until he heard “Deceit, Janus?” and the new student’s answering “here!”. Deceit? Wasn’t that the name of one of his not-soulmates? That was… suspicious. It probably wasn’t, since they didn’t seem to go by their last name, but maybe they had given their soulmate a false name? But why? Wasn’t finding your soulmate good? Did they not want a soulmate? Why bother to contact them at all?

It didn’t matter. If Janus was one of the ones that had written on his arm, he shouldn’t get involved. Its not like they were his soulmates, after all. He didn’t have soulmates. He didn’t deserve soulmates. He still thought Janus was one of his not-soulmates though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehehe  
> next chapter will be out hopefully tomorrow but probably within the week


	20. janus: fuck christopher columbus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> totally not just me being angry at christopher columbus nope! /s  
> warnings: christopher columbus. also janus thinking they dont deserve friends. i think thats it?

Janus had seen Virgil’s head shoot up when he heard their name. he probably hated them now. Of course! It made perfect sense! Virgil had been friendly because he didn’t know that they were a liar. But now, after hearing their last name, he knew, and hated them for it. This was normal, to be expected, and not a cause for distress. No one liked a liar.

Okay, they now had one person that was friendly with them, Logan. Logan probably wouldn’t continue to be, Logan had just been required to pretend when showing them around. Logan was sitting at the front of the classroom, absorbed in a textbook, though a click could be heard from Logan’s mouth every couple of seconds. This was fine. Janus didn’t need friends. Only one person hated them. They could deal with that.

They walked towards and empty table in the corner of the cafeteria, instead of the table they had sat at with Logan the day before. Fae didn’t hate them yet, they were fairly sure, but they didn’t want to antagonize faer any more than they already had. But Logan walked over towards them with faer tray?? Why?? Oh shit, was this Logan’s usual table? Had Janus fucked up again? Logan sat down across from them and asked them what they had thought of the section they had learned in social studies that morning, which had been about Christopher Columbus and how amazing and great /s he had been and how he was totally the first person to discover north America /s.

Janus was glad to see someone else agreed that Christopher Columbus was a racist asshole, rather than the “amazing great paragon of morality” they had been taught he was. He was a terrible person!!!!! Why were they taught that he was good????? No!!!!?!!?!? He wasn’t???? Anyways, both Logan and Janus had strong feelings on the subject and ranted together, with Virgil occasionally commenting from his adjacent table. Before they knew it, lunch was over. That had been the most enjoyable lunch Janus had had in a long time, maybe ever. Was that what it was like to have friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who knows when the next chapter will be out? i definitely dont! as always i appreciate any and all comments, and please tell me if i misgendered anyone


	21. Logan: Janus and Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh warnings: saying that rambling is annoying uhhhh i have no thoughts rn so i probably missed something sorry please tell me if i did. also sorry its been so long the world has been a lot recently

Was that what it was like to have friends? Logan had had a whole conversation and re hadn’t thought about rheir words once the entire time. Yet Janus didn’t seem to hate rem? Did Logan really finally have a friend? Re knew it would crash and burn around rem soon, but for now, things were actually going… well? Re wrote a simple “hello” on rheir arm, and waited for a reply. Might as well have rheir daily dose of fucking up in conversations, since re somehow hadn’t already.

Deceit gave no indication of being upset with rem, somehow? Logan had rambled about Latin and how cool it was, and Deceit hadn’t gotten upset. That was twice in one day that no one had give any outward indication that they were annoyed by Logan’s incessant rambling about useless topics. Logan was sure, of course, that both Deceit and Janus, and probably Virgil too, though Virgil wasn’t required to stay there so Logan doesn’t know why he didn’t just leave, had been annoyed by rheir rambling, they were both just extremely good at feigning interest.

Logan wondered what rheir soulmate was like in person. Re thought they might be like Janus. They both have the same… vibes. Logan wasn’t sure what exactly that word meant but it was on rheir flashcards as a word that other children rheir age used, so re might as well practice using it, so as to not seem like more of an outcast weirdo than re already were, though re wasn’t sure there was much farther down re could fall.

But back to rheir soulmate and Janus. They both had a couple of the same mannerisms. Janus wrote their r’s like Deceit did, and Logan hadn’t seen anyone else write them like that. Maybe they had been friends? And Deceit had used their friend’s last name as a fake identity because they panicked when they saw Logan’s formal introduction, and hadn’t wanted to share their real name with rem? Because they didn’t ever want to meet rem? That seemed like a likely explanation. More likely than Janus being rheir soulmate, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always please tell me if i misgender anyone and i love comments


	22. virgil: things are good/oh heck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings: language, christopher columbus (yes im still on about that), spiraling, death (more stuff about the death in the end notes bc itll be spoilers for the next chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also im sorry it took this long, and no promises for when the next chapter will be written

Virgil hadn’t been able to stop himself from jumping into the conversation about Christopher Columbus. He hated that bastard with a burning passion. Not many other people did, so it was refreshing to meet others who shared his opinion. Because Christopher Columbus was absolutely a bitch, and no one could tell him otherwise. Actually, that might be offensive to dogs. He was an asshole? That was better. To put it simply, he was a terrible person.

But anyways, back to the point. Which was that Virgil had participated in a conversation. With people. One of whom might be his not-soulmate. And while they had both seemed surprised at him joining in, neither had complained or made any indication that he was unwelcome. Outwardly, at least. There was always the underlying anxiety of people having just been polite, and actually being mad or annoyed with him. But Virgil had been watching Logan for a while. And he thought he could mostly tell when Logan was annoyed. And re hadn’t seemed to be.

So it was fine! Good, actually. Maybe he could sit with them for the rest of the semester. Except for the issue of… Roman. Roman himself wasn’t an issue. It was that he doubted roman would want to sit with them. Logan and roman didn’t exactly get along. Or maybe they did. Virgil had never been able to tell if they were simply bantering, or if they genuinely hated each other. But Roman hadn’t met Janus. Wait. Where the fuck had roman been? He was probably dying or dead and Virgil hadn’t noticed because he was too caught up in his fantasy of having new friends that he forgot to worry about roman. And now roman might be dead.

Virgil fucking knew better than to get caught up in happy things. Some shit always happens. That’s just how it is. People like Virgil didn’t get happy things. Just like it was impossible to have multiple soulmates. Virgil would know better in the future. He would be better. So no one ever got hurt because of him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. death warning. spoilers for the next chapter: roman's fine. virgil is just having cognitive distortions. roman was sick. hes perfectly fine. he forgot to tell virgil bc he has a fever and is loopy.


	23. roman: still alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thats right roman gets his own chapter as an apology for literally forgetting him. im so sorry, roman
> 
> warnings: language, death (discussed), overthinking, unreasonable standards, child abuse/neglect

Roman woke up and grabbed his phone. He had… 17 texts from Virgil? Shit. Something happened. Virgil was terrified of double texting. For him to have sent Roman 17 texts in a row, something had to be seriously wrong. The texts were all some variation of “are you alive?”. Wait, why did Virgil think he was dead? He couldn’t die! He was a prince! Princes go to heaven! And while where he was was an amazing castle, it wasn’t heaven.

He quickly texted back that he was not dead, and asked Virgil why he had thought so. He then checked the time. It was… 10am? Wednesday?? The last thing roman remembered had been going to bed Monday night. What the fuck happened Tuesday? Had someone kidnapped him for ransom and given him a concussion in the process? No that was stupid he knew better he wasn’t a prince not a prince no one cared enough to kidnap him why couldn’t he get that through his thick skull?

His mom came in and seemed relieved that he was lucid. She told him to head to school, as well as berating him for not waking up earlier and for missing school yesterday, even if he “did have a little fever, you know better than to miss school for such a stupid reason”. Oh. So he had had a fever. That made sense. And no one had informed Virgil. So he freaked out when Roman wasn’t at school. Shit.

Roman scrambled to get dressed and ran to school. He hoped his mom had called the school to tell them he was sick yesterday. It was alright if she hadn’t. he was a prince. And princes don’t need help from anyone. They’re in charge, and can do everything themselves. So it was fine! Roman didn’t need his mom to do the things parents were supposed to do for their kids. He was a prince. And princes can handle responsibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to normal rotation after this. maybe. who knows.


End file.
